Author Archives: tattoedpinup
CRASH
My life right now can pretty much be summed up in that one word right now: CRASH. Literally and figuratively. Six weeks ago I was probably the happiest I have been in a long time. I found myself unexpectedly dating a great guy who also happened to be a cyclist. I was offered the internship I wanted for school and a new part time job working as a personal trainer on the same day. Wow…things are really coming together is all I could think. I must be on the right path because everything is falling into place.
Then a week later the boy kind of blindsided me by ending things for reasons I still do not really comprehend. A week after that I was in a major bike crash managing to get road rash on both sides of my entire body, including my face. Two days after that my new employer called me to let me know that I was not a good fit for the company and told me I could come pick up my first and last check the following week. This coming after I had given my resignation letter weeks before at my former job and they had already offered the job to someone. I thought that was it, right? They say bad things come in threes…Since I have no employment after this week I thought I would sell my copy of Rosetta Stone Spanish I purchased on ebay 8 months ago and never opened. My ad was removed 2 times citing that it was copyright infringement. I received a cease and desist letter from Rosetta Stone yesterday letting me know that the copy I purchased is counterfeit and that I have to surrender the software to them in addition to paying a $1,000 fine even though I unknowingly had possession of fradulent software and purchased it from someone else.
All of this in the middle of trying to manage being in a mental health internship offering therapy to my clients who are struggling with alcohol and drug addiction. And finishing up my last 6 classes of my graduate program. I don’t know where to turn and what to think. The picture perfect scenery has turned to a desolate wasteland in six weeks. My head is reeling. My heart is sick. The floor is more fitting for my face.
I thought God was blessing the path I was on. So when everything comes crashing in…where does this leave me? Where is God in all of this? I feel a bit like Job. Completely stripped. Unable to come up for air. Throwing my angry fist in the air and unlike Job, cursing God. Why is all of this happening I scream through tearful sobs? Don’t you care about me? Don’t you love me? WHERE ARE YOU IN ALL OF THIS???!!!
What are the words to that praise song? You give and take away…you give and take away…my heart will choose to say…Lord, blessed be your name. Prasing in the midst of a massive hurricane. That is what I am having a major struggle with. There has to be some purpose in this all. Because if there is not that means my suffering, pain, heartche and anguish is all for nothing. And I almost have a harder time with that concept than I do with actually having to experience all the events of my life as of late.
You see…praising when things are good is easy. Thinking God is great and loving and wonderful is easy when you feel like he is blessing all your steps and giving you the life you’ve always wanted. Continuing to believe that God is great, loving, and wonderful when your world starts to fall apart is the challenge. I just want him to “fix things”. I want my life back from six weeks ago. I want to be convinved that everything will be ok and will somehow work out—but I can’t be consoled right now.
In a picture perfect scenery I’ve become a stick figure illustration.
Madera Stage Race
I was excited to get out of town and to race with some new faces this past weekend. I had no idea who was strong and who would be a contender in the crit—and it was kind of nice not knowing. They started the 35+ women on the course about a minute before us. The whistle blew and we were off! My teammates told me prior to the race that they really thought a win was a possibility…and I really thought it was a strong possibility I could make it happen. I rode the front for the first lap, with people then coming around me after that. For the most part, it was an uneventful race. We were neutralized at one point because the 35+ women were coming around. I tried to spend most of my time mid-pack, and not doing much work. There were a few primes for 5 seconds of time in the overall stage race, but I didn’t want to concern myself with burning matches there, as I wanted the race win. With one lap to go I knew I had to make a move at some point. In the final straight away before the last turn to the finish line I turned on the gas and came past the pack on the right side. I took the corner pretty fast and was a bit nervous coming into it but managed it ok. At that point I was driving from the front with the rest of the field behind me, and I stood up and sprinted as hard as I could, never looked back, and crossed the finish line first! My first race win! It was pretty exciting.
A few hours later was the time trial. I was less concerned with the time trial and more concerned with wanting to get points for the crit and the road race so I could upgrade. However, seeing as the crit win placed me in 1st for GC, I felt like I needed to go hard at the time trial to maintain my position. At the last minute my teammate loaned me her Garmin so I could gauge my speed and distance to pace myself. I was the 4th girl out from my category and passed the 3 girls in front of me. I really went all out in the last 1km, and am REALLY glad I did that because I ended up taking 1st for the time trial by 1/10th of second! Double wins for the day.
The road race was the next day and consisted of 3 laps of a 17 mile loop. I knew the field was going to be targeting me as I had won the 2 prior events and was 1st in GC. My teammates told me they thought the course suited me well: it was mostly flat with some rolling hills at the end and a hilltop finish. I’m good with short power climbs so was interested to see how things would play out. The first lap was rather uneventful with a few people trying to breakaway, but it was way too early in the game and the wind prevented anything from sticking. The first time through the rolling hills really broke up the field. Going into the second lap a breakaway of about 8 of us had been formed. I let everyone know that we needed to keep up the pace to try to stay away. We started pace lining and making the gap wider. A few girls caught back on, but for the most part the rest of the field was out of sight. I felt really strong during the race and spent long periods of time riding the front. I wanted to keep the pace up and whenever I dropped back, the pace seemed to slow. For the most part I drove the pace for the last 20 miles (but kept thinking, I really should try to drop back and recover so I have enough kick for the win!). As the rolling hills approached for the final time, a few women attacked and took off. I followed suit, but at this point my legs felt so fatigued and I was doubtful I had enough left for the win. I powered through the hills with all I had left, but was unable to catch the 2 in front of me and crossed the line 3rd. I should have ridden the front far less, but overall was pleased as this was my best placing in a road race. I still won GC and also earned enough upgrade points for a category 3! A good good weekend of racing indeed!
Destination
You ever wish you could get a “do-over”? I think any one of us could say that there is something in our lives we would change, do differently, or erase completely. The biggest thing that comes to mind for me is my education. For much of my early twenties I felt lost and without a real sense of direction of what area of study I wanted to focus on. When I chose Biblical Studies as my Bachelor’s degree I didn’t have a real plan, except that the classes in this area of study were the ones I most enjoyed. I sort of thought that I wanted to teach. Then I thought that I would get a Master’s degree in College Student Affairs and that it “didn’t really matter” what I majored in as an undergraduate.
The last semester of my senior year in college I realized that I was going to miss taking language classes such as Greek and Hebrew and continuing pursuing study in the Biblical field. I decided to apply to Fuller Theological Seminary and pursue a Master’s of Theology. I enjoyed my classes and treasure the relationships I built there; but to this day I am not totally sure that this is the course of action I should have taken.
In a lot of ways I’ve felt like I’ve spent the last few years floundering. Unsure of what I should “really” be doing. Working this job and that job, but feeling no sense of real purpose or fulfillment. Still trying to figure out what I wanted to be “when I grew up”–except I found myself 2 years away from 30 having this thought. Definitely not where I imagined myself when I was a bright-eyed 18-year-old freshman in college at Azusa Pacific University. The possibilities were endless then. Now I feel like I am having to back track, undo and re-do previous decisions I made to get me where I really want to go.
I definitely did not expect to find myself back in school this year. It was kind of a sudden thing–a decision many of my friends questioned. I honestly didn’t talk to any of my friends or really anyone about this decision. I wanted this to be something that was totally mine. I didn’t want to deal with the questions of others and feeling like I needed to defend myself and what I was choosing to do.
In June I started a Marriage and Family Therapy Master’s degree at National University. And you know what? I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is exactly what I want to do. I love being back in school, I love my classes, I love my professors and I’m passionate about the field of psychology. It feels damn good to finally feel like I have found my niche. That I have found a field where I can get a job I am passionate about and brings purpose, fulfillment and meaning to my life. That I will be able to help others become the best people they can be and overcome the challenges in their lives that they need to overcome.
I simultaneously feel so excited I have found my path, and sad that I did not discover and start on this path sooner. I’m caught between the tension of “maybe I was not supposed to discover and go down this path until now and previous circumstances have been preparing me for this” and “I feel like I wasted a lot of my 20’s doing things that have led nowhere and have left me feeling stagnant.”
This is where the feeling of wanting a re-do comes in. I could already be a licensed MFT and could have been working in the field for a few years now rather than being 28, having no real career, and experiencing situational depression from being in my current job. Eventually I’ll get to where I want to be, but will the disappointment of it coming so much later than I ever wanted taint the experience?
Right now, the answer is yes…and I’m trying to remedy that.
“You’re starting on the right track now,
trying to reach your destination.
The question isn’t when, but how–
You’re really going to get there.”
(Song Lyrics from Tyler Bettge’s song “Destination”)
Summer Style
My favorite season is, and always will be, summer. It’s the time I have the most energy and feel fully alive. It’s my “on” season. I always rejoice with its arrival, and mourn with its passing.
I have always considered fashion to be a personal extension of self. I have been told many times that I have a very unique style. I like to STAND OUT in a crowd. Often times this means COLOR. Lots and lots of color. And for me, summer is about bright, radiant and happy colors.
Insert my favorite summer outfit.
racer back tee, Target; jean shorts, Buffalo Exchange; necklace, Etsy; earrings, Etsy; shoes, Buffalo Exchange
When I saw this tee, I immediately knew I had to have it. It’s an explosion of bright color and a little bit funky with some animal print mixed in. Perfect for me. Perfect for Summer. Part of the appeal is that it’s a racer back and nicely shows of a portion of my tattoo collection. Love it!!
The necklace and earrings were my first purchase EVER on Etsy. They are made by Rachelle D. Highly recommend her. Her pieces are different and unique, which is why I like them.
I love me some ballet flats. And purple? You can’t go wrong. I got these at an awesome second hand store called Buffalo Exchange in Sherman Oaks (although there are many locations). I think they were $14…which is my kind of shopping. I also got my jean shorts there. It’s a good place to find some great treasures!
So there you have it! My favorite Summer attire. Hip, casual, with a lot of color thrown in!
Bridging the Gap
The ideal me is a lot different and a lot more well put together than the real me…
The ideal me: lives on her own in a little cottage/bungalow with wood floors in Pasadena. She doesn’t have any credit card debt. She manages her money well. Her nails and toes are always done nicely. She has a wardrobe from Anthropologie and is acessorized from head to toe. She always gets up early enough to do her hair and makeup. She keeps up with her hair care. She is able to work full-time, go to school full-time and teach spin 4 times a week with ease and grace. She cooks nice meals for herself. She maintains regular communication with close friends. She attends church weekly and reads her Bible consistently. She has a crafting corner and regularly finds time to sew and create. She writes consistently on her blog. She maintains a good attitude at work. She has a job she loves and thrives on. She is her own boss and makes her own schedule. Her car is regularly washed. She rides her bike every day. She goes out often. She is kind hearted and not easily irritated.
The real me: shares a 2 bedroom condo with tile and furnished with someone else’s stuff. She has a lot of credit card debt. She has a real struggle managing her money well. Her nails and toes often go neglected for long periods. She has a wardrobe from Target, Buffalo Exchange, Nordstrom Rack, Crossroads and Ross (all places I like) and adds accessories if I somehow manage to have an extra 5 minutes (not often). She usually puts her hair in a ponytail, sometimes wet and makeup is done within 5 minutes with whatever products are easiest to find. Her hair is often a very faded red for longer than she’d like to admit. She is able to work full-time, go to school full-time, and teach spin 4 times a week–but it usually involves tears and a few breakdowns a week. Cooking, what is cooking?? Her friends probably think she dropped off the face of the planet. It’s been months since she’s read her Bible and the last time she went to church was probably Easter (I really can’t remember..that’s bad..). She has a crafting corner…that’s collecting dust. It’s been 3 months since she’s wrote anything substantial on her blog. She maintains a mediocre to poor attitude at work. She is not doing a job she enjoys. She has a boss and Fuller y tells her when she has to be at work. Her car looks like someone dumped a bunch of dirt on it and then sprayed it down with water. She rides her bike maybe 3 times a week. She rarely goes out. She can be a bit rough around the edges and is easily annoyed.
As you can see…I’ve got quite a ways to go. It’s time to bridge the gap and become the ideal me.
What are the differences between the real you and the ideal you? And how do you plan to bridge the gap??
Stay tuned..
After being on vacation for 10 days and riding 500 miles across Iowa on my bike I’m beginning to feel infused with life once again. I’m beginning to feel like I can dream again. I’m beginning to feel creative energy come back into my soul.
With that said, I’ve decided to launch a new blog and become more consistent in writing. Because I need to write. It’s who I am.
Stay tuned…
Joy comes in the morning
Let’s just say that 2010 was not my year.
When I turned 27 in February I proclaimed that this was going to be MY year…and it fell quite a bit short of that..
It started off great–welcoming 2010 in Times Square…New York! The city! The lights! Central Park! I love everything about New York.
I faced 2010 with a bit of fear and uncertainty. I knew that I needed to make some changes in my life. I knew that some decisions needed to be made. I sat in the Trump Towers on 5th Avenue drinking Starbucks with my then boyfriend and crying because I felt overwhelmed with the thought of needing to change my life…to make it what I wanted…to switch to a more fulfilling job…the fear of— what exactly the decisions were that I needed to make— hung thick in the air.
Not all was lost in 2010. I did get certified to be a personal trainer. I did get certified to be a spin instructor. I did get CPR certified. I ran my first half marathon. I participated in a week-long bike race in Iowa. I ran my first marathon in December.
But 2010 had a pervading sense that there was something more I needed to be doing with my life and that I certainly wasn’t doing it. It was missing this sense of purpose and fulfillment. It was filled with lots of routine and comfortability and being unsure of what decisions to make…to not making any decisions at all.
I literally sat at a coffee shop on December 31, 2010 in tears with my mom. About recent heartbreak. About unresolved issues I wanted to wrap up in 2010. About closure that would never come for one situation. I can honestly say I have never been as depressed as I was in November and December 2010. I had no idea how I was ever going to feel like I was not drowning in a sea of sorrow. I wondered how and if I would ever come up for air–find relief…move on…be happy again. I had serious doubts I would ever feel ok.
I love the idea of a newness. A chance to start fresh. New beginnings. Letting go of the past…and pressing on towards what is ahead. I can’t pinpoint it on any one thing–but when the clock turned us over to 2011, I have felt completely different.
It was a number of things (counseling, renewed hope and faith, making decisions) that pulled me out of the darkness. As 2011 started, I felt a renewed vigor for life. The burdensome heaviness I had been previously feeling had suddenly dissipated. For the first time in a long time I felt like my mind had cleared and that I was able to once again take hold of my life.
It’s only May and this year has brought a tremendous amount of change and growth. I started working as a running coach. I ran my 2nd marathon (with my first only being 8 weeks before!!!). I started working as a personal trainer. I competed in my first bike race. I moved to a lovely condo in Pasadena (where my whole life is now within a mile radius!!!). I competed in my first duathlon. I applied and was accepted into grad school to pursue my 2nd Master’s degree–a Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology. AAAAAAANNNNNNNDDDDDDDD I just found out 2 days ago that I was picked in the lottery to run the New York City Marathon, the Nike Women’s Half Marathon in San Francisco (with a Tiffany’s necklace at the finish line….EeeeeeEEeeeeeEEEEeeeeeeeeEee!!!!!!!!!) AND RAGBRAI ( a 7 day bike ride across Iowa)!!! I mean really, this year just keeps getting better and better.
The way I feel right now about myself and my life is so far from those horrible nights of sobbing in my car at the end of last year. That’s the beauty of this life. It’s a constant ebb and flow. Just because things are bad and you hurt right now–doesn’t mean it will be this way forever…even if it feels like it.
So if you’re going through a rough patch-take heart! New beginnings are always on the horizon. A lot can change in just a year; in fact a lot can change in a matter of months! I’m the happiest I have ever been–something I quite *literally* couldn’t imagine just 5 short months ago. Hold fast to hope. You will be happy again.
Though sorrow may last for the night, joy comes in the morning.
Ruminations on the Week
1. I kind of want one of everything in the Victoria’s Secret catalog. I think I might need a sugar daddy ;). Or just a better paying job. That’s probably the better option.
2. I got accepted into graduate school (again)! I will be starting a Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology on May 31st. I’m really excited!
3. Quote of the week: “Oh yeah? You’ve been at work all day? Well I’ve been wrestling pythons all day!!!”…Ok mom, YOU WIN. Not a single python did I wrestle today. For the record: my mother is not a zookeeper of some sort, but a middle school teacher. Which a lot of times is one in the same thing.
4. This next week should bring news of 3 events I have entered the lottery for: The New York Marathon, The Nike Women’s Half Marathon and RAGBRAI ( a 7 day bike ride across the whole state of Iowa). Here’s hoping I luck out and get all 3!
5. I am missing my long hair right now. I love it short, but there is something sexy and romantic about having long flowing tresses.
6. Tomorrow I can officially get back on Facebook and Twitter since Lent will be over. I am wary as I don’t trust myself to not fall into the same overuse patterns I have had in the past. Also, I cannot believe that 46 days has gone by so incredibly fast.
7. I went on a date last night with a man who is 38. When I was younger, I would have considered this unacceptable. But since I am 28 it doesn’t seem like such a huge deal.
8. I think I might be allergic to my day job. General symptoms are: complete lack of energy, feeling exhausted all the time, feeling like my brain is turning to jelly, unproductivity, feelings of meaninglessness in my work, and full knowledge that I was made for much more than what my job is and offers.
9. I’d really like to be moving towards marriage in the near future. I’ll be 30 in just under 2 years (even writing that sends me into a tailspin) and well..I kind of don’t want to be a 1st time mom at age 45..so..
10. However, when I am riding my bike at the Rose Bowl I am glad I have the freedom to do whatever I want–especially exercise by myself–rather than pushing a single or a double stroller as the moms walk around the loop. I should probably work on getting over thinking that children end your life and hold you back before I ever think about having any.
Have a very blessed Easter and an awesome week!
-Ericka Paige
Hot Pink Fabulous
These are on their way to me and I probably couldn’t be more excited…
I mean, really. How hot is that pump?
Cannot wait to see them on…!
Wake Up and Step Outside Your Box 