On Search Engines..

Someone found my blog yesterday through the search engine “unused fuckable objects”.

Not sure how I feel about that one..

Reflections on the week

1. I love no make-up days. It’s just so freeing and you can still be beautiful and fabulous without it.

2. Quote of the week: “There are some nice people out there and then there are some real bitches”- my mother. Well said mom…and so true.

3. Men in tight cycling spandex shorts is not such a pretty sight. As my mom would say—too many bulges.

4. My mom is probably the most hilarious person I know. Love her!

5. I completed my first duathlon yesterday. 5k run (3.1 miles), 30 k bike ride (18.6 miles), 5k run (3.1). I kinda sorta thought I was going to die because it was 80 degrees out by the beach (!!!)…but I made it! Also, if you told me in high school, or even in college, that I would be so fitness minded I would have never believed you!

6. I think I might have a thing for military men (I was at a Marine base for my race yesterday). Too bad the one I want is stationed in North Carolina right now.

7. I like running, but I LOVE cycling. I’ve decided to throw all my efforts and time into becoming a kick-ass cyclist; rather than try to divide my time training for the two. I will never be a great runner but pro cyclists have commented on how strong I am on the bike–and I’ve only been riding 8 months! I know I can be great!

8. There’s nothing I love more than riding my road bike. It is my happy place!

9. My new life motto is: “Say no to the douche”. I think I am going to make shirts for my roommate and I. I wonder if the guy who inspired this will want a cut of any profits I make..

10. I LOVE LOVE LOVE living in Pasadena. My condo, my roommate, the location…it’s all perfection.

11. I have been off of Facebook for 41 days. I gave it up for Lent and I don’t really miss it…at all. Maybe I’ll even delete my account.

Have a great week!

-Ericka Paige

Things I am stoked about

1. I’m living in Pasadena!

2. I can walk to work.

3. I haven’t had to get gas in at least a week and a half.

4. I get to ride my bike 3-4 times this week.

5. I am applying to go back to school to get a 2nd master’s degree and I’m really excited about it! I think I’ve actually decided on a career!

6. I think I’m going to open an etsy shop and I’m kind of in love with the name I have picked.

7. I’m going to design a new blog–also in love with the new name I have picked.

8. I’m getting into competitive cycling!

9. I like being a personal trainer and a running coach.

10. ANYTHING hot pink.

Just to name a few…

What are YOU excited about in your life?

If I were a cartoon…

This really makes me miss my long hair.

Jhasdkjhwifuhdfvbgrhekdfjvhiudarv!!!!

Yesterday I did not use my car at all…

In case you didn’t catch that. Yesterday.I.did.not.use.my.car.AT.ALL.

I went to my job at Fuller. I went to my job at LA Fitness. But not ONCE did I set foot inside a motor vehicle to get me from point A to point B.

I walked to Fuller and rode my bike to LA Fitness.

Perhaps you do not understand how huge this is for me. Since May of last year I have been driving THIRTY-FIVE MILES EACH WAY to get to work. Going with traffic BOTH WAYS. At LEAST 2 hours of sitting in traffic in my car a day. Stress. Anxiety.Frustration. Sometimes sleeping in my car (shhh, don’t tell mom!). It’s a huge understatement to say it’s been less than ideal.

But now my life is different. COMPLETELY CHANGED. In fact I feel as if I have ripped my life back from the gory clutches of LA traffic.

Stress? Anxiety? Frustration? Replaced with peace and a sense of being grounded.

This morning? Woke up at 7:30, got ready, and walked to work by 8am. Mind blowing really.

My 2 jobs. My dentist. My doctor. My optometrist. My bank. The grocery store. All less than 1 mile from where I live. I honestly don’t think it could get any better than this. My life has been consolidated and it feels good…really good.

Not to mention that I am living in a great 2 bedroom 2 bath condo with one of my very good friends. In fact today, we planned an impromptu lunch date in 5 minutes and I walked there.

If I had to describe in one word how I feel it would be this: jfjhsdflyergmndflgkhwkejrnlofivboprdegtiowufdoajwfdvknwiefhiwejioebgkembas….!!!!!

AMEN.

Will I be pretty?

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother “What will I be? Will I be pretty? ” Will I be pretty? Will I be pretty? What comes next? Oh right, will I be rich which is almost pretty depending on where you shop. And the pretty question infects from conception passing blood and breath into cells. The word hangs from our mothers’ hearts in a shrill of fluorescent floodlight of worry. “Will I be wanted? Worthy? Pretty? But puberty left me this funhouse mirror dry add: teeth set at science fiction angles, crooked nose, face donkey-long, and pox-marked where the hormones went finger-painting my poor mother. “How could this happen? You’ll have porcelain skin as soon as we can see a dermatologist.” “You sucked your thumb. That’s why your teeth look like that! ” “You were hit in the face with a Frisbee when you were six, otherwise your nose would have been fine! ” Don’t worry; we will get it all fixed she would say, grasping my face, twisting it this way and that as if it were a cabbage she might buy. But, this is not about her. Not her fault she, too, was raised to believe the greatest asset she could bestow upon her awkward little girl was a marketable appearance. By sixteen I was pickled by ointments, medications, peroxides. Teeth corralled into steel prongs, laying in a hospital bed. Face packed with gauze, cushioning the brand new nose the surgeon had carved. Belly gorged on two pints of my own blood I had swallowed under anesthesia, and every convulsive twist, like my body screaming at me from the inside out “What did you let them do to you? ” All the while, this never ending chorus groaning on and on like the IV needle dripping liquid beauty into my blood. “Will I be pretty? ” Will I be pretty like my mother, unwrapping the gift wrap to reveal the bouquet of daughter her $10,000 bought her? Pretty? Pretty. And now I have not seen my own face in ten years. I have not seen my own face in ten years, but this is not about me! This is about the self-mutilating circus we have painted ourselves clowns in. About women who will prowl thirty stores in six malls to find the right cocktail dress, but haven’t a clue where to find fulfillment or how to wear joy, wandering through life shackled to a shopping bag, beneath those two pretty syllables. This, this is about my own some-day daughter. When you approach me, already stung-stayed with insecurity, begging, “Mom, will I be pretty? Will I be pretty? , ” I will wipe that question from your mouth like cheap lipstick and answer no. The word pretty is unworthy of everything you will be, and no child of mine will be contained in six letters. You will be pretty intelligent, pretty creative, pretty amazing, but you will never be merely “pretty.”

 Katie Makkai

Amen? AMEN. Every time I watch this I get chills because it strikes such a deep chord in me. I’ve spent years relying on my appearance and subconsciously (or consciously) placed so much of my value and worth in being pretty. In being wanted. In being able to get this guy or that guy. In being desirable. Feeling like I need to sell myself.

But the bottom line is this: I will not be contained in six letters.

I am pretty intelligent. I am pretty creative. I am pretty amazing.

You can watch the live performance here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6wJl37N9C0

I miss the days…

I may not always feel like this, but today I am wishing for another time.

I am wishing for the days of high school…curlers in my hair…glitter everywhere…bright lights…shiny dresses…huge smiles…singing…dancing…the stage.

I am wishing for the days of childhood…no worries…no concerns…innocent crushes…swings…riding the bus…carefree.

I am wishing for the days of college…chapel..the prayer garden…worshipping…great friends…phenomenal classes…feeling God’s presence.

I am wishing for the days of innocence…the days devoid of heartbreak…the days devoid of pain and feeling worthless and used and taken advantage of….days devoid of words that cut deep and to the soul…the days when my soul didn’t feel trashed and abused……the days when I felt like my heart was whole.

Yes…I miss the days where my heart was whole…devoid of the affect of what “he” or “he” or “he” had done to it…devoid of the scars of emotional pain…free from the memories of “him” and “him” and “him”…

I miss the days of feeling light and happy…when my heart wasn’t heavy from being emotionally fucked time and time again.

And I really miss the days where I felt like I was worth more than the composite of a pretty face,  tits, a pussy and an ass…and that really I’m just a disposable fuckable object.

Starting is the hardest part

If I’m learning anything right now it is this: that starting is the hardest part.

Once you get going, things seem to run smoothly and you get comfortable and you start thinking “I can do this”…but sometimes you are stalled at just starting.

I experienced this a lot in college. The papers I had to write seemed so overwhelming and huge and unmanageable. The thought of writing them nearly made me not even want to start. Shut down by the sheer hugeness of the time and effort that it would require of me. But you know what? Once I started..once I gathered the resource and wrote the outline and  penned the introduction and incorporated all my resources–things started to come together and before I knew it, the paper was written.

I was reminded most about this lesson, of the hardest part being starting, when my calendar said that this past Saturday I had a 16 mile training run. Not 5,10 or 15 miles even. 16 miles. It would be a 2.5 hour time commitment. My legs would burn and my knees would need to be iced at the end. Really, the thought of running 16 miles is enough to want to stop you from doing it. You just have to start. There’s no way around it. Put one foot in front of the other and just start. Once I got past the 3-4 mile mark things started to feel a little easier. I just had to keep going. I just had to move forward. I had taken the step to overcome the hardest part, starting, and now the goal was to finish. I did it though. I ran 16 miles! On the very track that I dreaded as an 18-year-old college freshman who chose to take walk/jog for physical education. And now here I am training to run a marathon.

I had to start somewhere. I started with 3 miles. Progressed to 4,5,6..and realized that I actually might enjoy this thing called running. And now I will be crushing 26.2 miles on December 5, 2010 on the Las Vegas strip. It all started with running that first mile…

Another thing that is looming in my life is the prospect of changing jobs. It is so much more comfortable to just stay where you are at. I know the job, it’s predictable, the hours are set, I will get paid on the 10th and 26th of the month. I could probably do the job in my sleep. It’s so much easier to stay there than to make the change. I have the qualifications to be doing something else, but it’s that whole getting started and not knowing where to start that is holding me back. But perhaps I need to just take one step in a new direction. And perhaps that will lead to something else. And then maybe before I know it I will have found myself in a happier place because I made the decision to start something new and to move forward.

For 3 years I had a sewing machine still new in the box sitting in my room. I had such GREAT intentions of learning how to sew. I had purchased a bunch of fabric in hopes of inspiring myself to sew. But up until last month that sewing machine was still sitting unused in its box. Then I made the decision to start. I signed myself up for a sewing class. I made a tote bag. Then I made a second tote bag. Then yesterday I made 2 pillowcases and a scarf. The hardest part was starting up. Now I am taking steps towards selling my products.

So what is it in your life that you need to start? What have you been stalling on? Where in your life do you need to move forward?

The hardest part is starting. But I can guarantee that once you start…that once you take that step towards something that you want that the hardest part will be behind you and you will start to see your goals become reality..

A blessing and a curse (OR) my phone gives me anxiety

What was life like before the iPhone? Or cell phones really?

You actually had to go on mapquest and print out directions.

You didn’t have access to everyone’s business anytime of the day or night via facebook, twitter or my space.

You didn’t anxiously await for a text back, or read into how a text was phrased or text things you wouldn’t have the nerve or courage to say in real life.

You couldn’t check your emails on the go.

No technology is not bad. No the iPhone is not bad.

But I think with all these new developments that it causes for a much raised anxiety level.

For instance, I’ll text someone and not  hear back for hours, if ever sometimes. Then someone will text me, but it’s not the person I wanted to text me and then I get annoyed with the person who actually texted me because I’m waiting for a text from someone else. Ya hear? This is anxiety and stress that I don’t need.

My phone makes everything so much more accessible. Literally, the world is at my fingertips. Sure, the internet has been around for years–but with the new development of having access to the internet in the palm of your hand..wherever you are…you start to feel like you can’t get away. You have instant access to information and pictures and other people’s worlds–whereas before we were not all so closely connected. I kind of liked NOT knowing what was going on in other people’s lives. It’s almost like a burden. Knowing and seeing what is going on with so many other people via the many social networking sites. Having access to things that might not be good for you to see. Like the ex-boy who is now with that girl, or who so and so is hanging out with, or what such and such is happening in this person’s life.

And furthermore, I think the internet allows us to be a little more bold. To be more open. To be a little TOO open at times, shall we say? There are some things I think that would be best left unshared via the internet.

I LIKED NOT KNOWING.

There’s something freeing in just focusing on yourself and not being involved in some voyeuristic attempt at keeping up with other people.

In being so connected I can’t help but feel like we are taking away something from ourselves. Taking away the ability to cultivate meaningful relationships (that don’t include status comments, wall posts and facebook messages). Taking away the ability to real and honest. Taking away the ability to focus on us and what we need to be doing to move forward in our lives because we get so caught up in social networking.

These are just a few things that cause me to derive a sense of anxiety from my phone.

Sometimes I will set it on “airplane” mode and feel this overwhelming sense of peace that I won’t get disrupted by a text, a phone call, an email or seeing what all my friends are doing for the day.

There comes a freedom in being disconnected. In totally unplugging.

I’m leaving for Yosemite tomorrow for the weekend. Once my phone battery dies (which hopefully it will do on the drive up)..that’s it. We’re parting ways for the weekend. No emails, no calls, no texts, no status updates, no mobile uploads.

And you know what? I’m really looking forward to it.

Does your phone or social networking give you anxiety?

The in between

And no, I’m not talking about that ethereal place as seen in The Lovely Bones where souls are held when they depart from this earth. 

I’m talking about transition. About leaving one familiar thing to embark on this new thing–except you don’t know what this new thing is yet. So you’re in this period of waiting. In a holding pen if you will. Not having the stability of where you once were…and not having solid ground of where you will be. 

A season is coming to a close. I can feel the inevitability of it overwhelming me. But I am trying to resist it. I am trying not to think about it. Really, I am pretending that it is not coming. It’s healthy, I can assure you.. 

I have been living with one of my best friends for a year now. But only for a week and a half longer. It doesn’t seem possible, really, that it was a WHOLE YEAR ago that we were so excited about our apartment and moving in. And now I’m moving back home. She’s moving back home. Except her home will be 6 hours away. A season is coming to a close for her too. In 2 weeks she will graduate from USC with her M. Ed. 

I wouldn’t be opposed to staying where we are, but she doesn’t have a job lined up–which makes it a virtual impossibility to commit to a lease. And I have a lot of financial things I have to take care of. So it makes sense for both of us to move home. 

I HATE CHANGE. Who likes change though, really? I am trying to dig my heels in. Refuse to move forward. Thinking that if things would just stay the same and if there was some consistent stability in my life that I would be ok. That I would be better off. That I would be able to feel like I had some solid ground under my feet. 

That’s the problem with life though…it is fluid. Things are CONSTANTLY changing. The ONLY consistent element that we can always count on is change. As soon as you begin to grasp some sort of permanence…some sort of stability…some sort of balanced footing–the rug is pulled out from underneath you and you’re forced to adapt. 

So that’s where I’m at right now. In 10 days I will once again be living at home. Commuting 60 miles a day for work. Spending hours in traffic. No longer living with one of my best friends. Paying off debt. 

It’s not that this is COMPLETELY terrible. It’s a temporary situation. But it’s this sense of being neither here, nor there. And I don’t know where “there” is yet. And this all leaves me a bit unsettled. 

A season is coming to a close. And with it comes a wide range of emotions. 

But I’m realizing that I like to live a lot of my life trying to cling to the past, rather than embracing the future. The past is done–it’s tangible. What has happened is set is stone. I can grasp that better than I can embracing the unknown. But perhaps this is why I have been stuck for years wallowing in the same things. Perhaps it is time for me to let go of the old and search out this new thing. 

Isaiah 43:18-19 

 ¹⁸ “Forget the former things;
       do not dwell on the past. ¹⁹ See, I am doing a new thing!
       Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
       I am making a way in the desert
       and streams in the wasteland. 

I will leave you with this. It is an excerpt from Shauna Niequist’s book, Bittersweet, due to come out in August 2010. The essay is called “Learning to Swim”: 

 I’ve learned that in many cases, change is not a function not life’s cruelty but instead a function of God’s graciousness.
 

 If you dig in and fight the changes, they will smash you to bits.  They’ll hold you under, drag you across the rough sand, scare and confuse you.  But if you can find it within yourself, in the wildest of seasons, just for a moment, to trust in the goodness of God, who made it all and holds it all together, you’ll find yourself drawn along to a whole new place, and there’s truly nothing sweeter.  Unclench your fists, unlock your knees and also the door to your heart, take a deep breath, and let God do his work in you.