The last semester of my senior year in college I realized that I was going to miss taking language classes such as Greek and Hebrew and continuing pursuing study in the Biblical field. I decided to apply to Fuller Theological Seminary and pursue a Master’s of Theology. I enjoyed my classes and treasure the relationships I built there; but to this day I am not totally sure that this is the course of action I should have taken.

In a lot of ways I’ve felt like I’ve spent the last few years floundering. Unsure of what I should “really” be doing. Working this job and that job, but feeling no sense of real purpose or fulfillment. Still trying to figure out what I wanted to be “when I grew up”–except I found myself 2 years away from 30 having this thought. Definitely not where I imagined myself when I was a bright-eyed 18-year-old freshman in college at Azusa Pacific University. The possibilities were endless then. Now I feel like I am having to back track, undo and re-do previous decisions I made to get me where I really want to go.

I definitely did not expect to find myself back in school this year. It was kind of a sudden thing–a decision many of my friends questioned. I honestly didn’t talk to any of my friends or really anyone about this decision. I wanted this to be something that was totally mine. I didn’t want to deal with the questions of others and feeling like I needed to defend myself and what I was choosing to do.

In June I started a Marriage and Family Therapy Master’s degree at National University. And you know what? I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is exactly what I want to do. I love being back in school, I love my classes, I love my professors and I’m passionate about the field of psychology. It feels damn good to finally feel like I have found my niche. That I have found a field where I can get a job I am passionate about and brings purpose, fulfillment and meaning to my life. That I will be able to help others become the best people they can be and overcome the challenges in their lives that they need to overcome.

I simultaneously feel so excited I have found my path, and sad that I did not discover and start on this path sooner. I’m caught between the tension of “maybe I was not supposed to discover and go down this path until now and previous circumstances have been preparing me for this” and “I feel like I wasted a lot of my 20′s doing things that have led nowhere and have left me feeling stagnant.”

This is where the feeling of wanting a re-do comes in. I could already be a licensed MFT and could have been working in the field for a few years now rather than being 28, having no real career, and experiencing situational depression from being in my current job. Eventually I’ll get to where I want to be, but will the disappointment of it coming so much later than I ever wanted taint the experience?

Right now, the answer is yes…and I’m trying to remedy that.

“You’re starting on the right track now,

trying to reach your destination.

The question isn’t when, but how–

You’re really going to get there.”

(Song Lyrics from Tyler Bettge’s song “Destination”)

I have always considered fashion to be a personal extension of self. I have been told many times that I have a very unique style. I like to STAND OUT in a crowd. Often times this means COLOR. Lots and lots of color. And for me, summer is about bright, radiant and happy colors.

Insert my favorite summer outfit.

racer back tee, Target; jean shorts, Buffalo Exchange; necklace, Etsy; earrings, Etsy; shoes, Buffalo Exchange

When I saw this tee, I immediately knew I had to have it. It’s an explosion of bright color and a little bit funky with some animal print mixed in. Perfect for me. Perfect for Summer. Part of the appeal is that it’s a racer back and nicely shows of a portion of my tattoo collection. Love it!!

The necklace and earrings were my first purchase EVER on Etsy. They are made by Rachelle D. Highly recommend her. Her pieces are different and unique, which is why I like them.

I love me some ballet flats. And purple? You can’t go wrong. I got these at an awesome second hand store called Buffalo Exchange in Sherman Oaks (although there are many locations). I think they were $14…which is my kind of shopping. I also got my jean shorts there. It’s a good place to find some great treasures!

So there you have it! My favorite Summer attire. Hip, casual, with a lot of color thrown in!

The ideal me: lives on her own in a little cottage/bungalow with wood floors in Pasadena. She doesn’t have any credit card debt. She manages her money well. Her nails and toes are always done nicely. She has a wardrobe from Anthropologie and is acessorized from head to toe. She always gets up early enough to do her hair and makeup. She keeps up with her hair care. She is able to work full-time, go to school full-time and teach spin 4 times a week with ease and grace. She cooks nice meals for herself. She maintains regular communication with close friends. She attends church weekly and reads her Bible consistently. She has a crafting corner and regularly finds time to sew and create. She writes consistently on her blog. She maintains a good attitude at work. She has a job she loves and thrives on. She is her own boss and makes her own schedule. Her car is regularly washed. She rides her bike every day. She goes out often. She is kind hearted and not easily irritated.

The real me: shares a 2 bedroom condo with tile and furnished with someone else’s stuff. She has a lot of credit card debt. She has a real struggle managing her money well. Her nails and toes often go neglected for long periods. She has a wardrobe from Target, Buffalo Exchange, Nordstrom Rack, Crossroads and Ross (all places I like) and adds accessories if I somehow manage to have an extra 5 minutes (not often). She usually puts her hair in a ponytail, sometimes wet and makeup is done within 5 minutes with whatever products are easiest to find. Her hair is often a very faded red for longer than she’d like to admit. She is able to work full-time, go to school full-time, and teach spin 4 times a week–but it usually involves tears and a few breakdowns a week. Cooking, what is cooking?? Her friends probably think she dropped off the face of the planet. It’s been months since she’s read her Bible and the last time she went to church was probably Easter (I really can’t remember..that’s bad..). She has a crafting corner…that’s collecting dust. It’s been 3 months since she’s wrote anything substantial on her blog. She maintains a mediocre to poor attitude at work. She is not doing a job she enjoys. She has a boss and Fuller y tells her when she has to be at work. Her car looks like someone dumped a bunch of dirt on it and then sprayed it down with water. She rides her bike maybe 3 times a week. She rarely goes out. She can be a bit rough around the edges and is easily annoyed.

As you can see…I’ve got quite a ways to go. It’s time to bridge the gap and become the ideal me.

What are the differences between the real you and the ideal you? And how do you plan to bridge the gap??

With that said, I’ve decided to launch a new blog and become more consistent in writing. Because I need to write. It’s who I am.

Stay tuned…

As I pondered some, I realized that giving up social media devices would be the perfect thing. I started to feel like I was living more in the cyber world than I was in the real world. Felt like I was investing more in cyber relationships than real relationships. Investing way too much time on the whole– looking at what others were saying and doing to the neglect of my own life and well-being.

I’d wake up and the first thing I’d think about doing is checking my Facebook on my phone. Not praying or reading my Bible. Not getting up and making breakfast. Not getting ready for the day. But—checking.my.Facebook. Sitting in bed and reading through all the posts that were put up since I went to sleep the night before. What IS THAT? It can’t be healthy.

And I wonder what all of these new social devices are doing to the landscape of society in general. Are they bringing us together…or causing more isolation?

It doesn’t help that my job consists of sitting at a computer all day. I can’t exactly say I am totally thrilled about my work, so it is easy to get distracted. Sometimes I check my facebook every 5 seconds.

Donald Miller just posted a great blog about “Should Phones Come with Warning Labels”. You can check it out here.

A few of the warning labels he comes up with are:

This device may lead you to invest in fake relationships to the exclusion of actual human contact.

This device may cause social anxiety because nobody has @replied you on twitter

Here are a few others from commenters on the blog:

Warning: This device may cause you to feel like you can never truly relax because you might miss something.

Warning: This device is just like a leash, only shorter.

Warning: This device may cause addiction.

Warning: This device will lead you to be consumed with self.

Warning: This device may cause you to think you have actual relationships with people when the real relationship is only with the cell phone.

Warning: This device may lead to your 800+ “friends” on Facebook knowing way too much about your life.

Warning: This device prevents you from experiencing true solitude, but does not protect you from true loneliness.

Warning: This device may make you believe you are socially connected when you’re actually spending hours disconnecting.

You know what I discovered? One on one interaction with people is so much more meaningful. Sending an email to a friend is so much more personal and allows me to focus on just that person–rather than the activity of 621 of my other “friends”. At that’s what I really want, you know? I think that’s what everyone wants. Meaningful connection with another person.

So let’s exit the virtual world so we can re-enter the real world…and start re-connecting with each other.

UPDATE: I have been trying to cut back my use on Facebook. Not posting every detail of what is going on in my life. Trying to only post if I really have something to say. The other day I get a call from my mom wondering how I am because she noticed I wasn’t posting on Facebook as much…I just had to laugh.

When I turned 27 in February I proclaimed that this was going to be MY year…and it fell quite a bit short of that..

It started off great–welcoming 2010 in Times Square…New York! The city! The lights! Central Park! I love everything about New York.

 I faced 2010 with a bit of fear and uncertainty. I knew that I needed to make some changes in my life. I knew that some decisions needed to be made. I sat in the Trump Towers on 5th Avenue drinking Starbucks with my then boyfriend and crying because I felt overwhelmed with the thought of needing to change my life…to make it what I wanted…to switch to a more fulfilling job…the fear of— what exactly the decisions were that I needed to make— hung thick in the air.

Not all was lost in 2010. I did get certified to be a personal trainer. I did get certified to be a spin instructor. I did get CPR certified. I ran my first half marathon. I participated in a week-long bike race in Iowa. I ran my first marathon in December.

But 2010 had a pervading sense that there was something more I needed to be doing with my life and that I certainly wasn’t doing it. It was missing this sense of purpose and fulfillment. It was filled with lots of routine and comfortability and being unsure of what decisions to make…to not making any decisions at all.

I literally sat at a coffee shop on December 31, 2010 in tears with my mom. About recent heartbreak. About unresolved issues I wanted to wrap up in 2010. About closure that would never come for one situation. I can honestly say I have never been as depressed as I was in November and December 2010. I had no idea how I was ever going to feel like I was not drowning in a sea of sorrow. I wondered how and if I would ever come up for air–find relief…move on…be happy again. I had serious doubts I would ever feel ok.

I love the idea of a newness. A chance to start fresh. New beginnings. Letting go of the past…and pressing on towards what is ahead. I can’t pinpoint it on any one thing–but when the clock turned us over to 2011, I have felt completely different.

It was a number of things (counseling, renewed hope and faith, making decisions) that pulled me out of the darkness. As 2011 started, I felt a renewed vigor for life. The burdensome heaviness I had been previously feeling had suddenly dissipated. For the first time in a long time I felt like my mind had cleared and that I was able to once again take hold of my life.

It’s only May and this year has brought a tremendous amount of change and growth. I started working as a running coach. I ran my 2nd marathon (with my first only being 8 weeks before!!!). I started working as a personal trainer. I competed in my first bike race. I moved to a lovely condo in Pasadena (where my whole life is now within a mile radius!!!). I competed in my first duathlon. I applied and was accepted into grad school to pursue my 2nd Master’s degree–a Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology. AAAAAAANNNNNNNDDDDDDDD I just found out 2 days ago that I was picked in the lottery to run the New York City Marathon, the Nike Women’s Half Marathon in San Francisco (with a Tiffany’s necklace at the finish line….EeeeeeEEeeeeeEEEEeeeeeeeeEee!!!!!!!!!) AND RAGBRAI ( a 7 day bike ride across Iowa)!!! I mean really, this year just keeps getting better and better.

The way I feel right now about myself and my life is so far from those horrible nights of sobbing in my car at the end of last year.  That’s the beauty of this life. It’s a constant ebb and flow. Just because things are bad and you hurt right now–doesn’t mean it will be this way forever…even if it feels like it.

So if you’re going through a rough patch-take heart! New beginnings are always on the horizon. A lot can change in just a year; in fact a lot can change in a matter of months! I’m the happiest I have ever been–something I quite *literally* couldn’t imagine just 5 short months ago. Hold fast to hope. You will be happy again.

Though sorrow may last for the night, joy comes in the morning.

2. I got accepted into graduate school (again)! I will be starting a Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology on May 31st. I’m really excited!

3. Quote of the week: “Oh yeah? You’ve been at work all day? Well I’ve been wrestling pythons all day!!!”…Ok mom, YOU WIN. Not a single python did I wrestle today. For the record: my mother is not a zookeeper of some sort, but a middle school teacher. Which a lot of times is one in the same thing.

4. This next week should bring news of 3 events I have entered the lottery for: The New York Marathon, The Nike Women’s Half Marathon and RAGBRAI ( a 7 day bike ride across the whole state of Iowa). Here’s hoping I luck out and get all 3!

5. I am missing my long hair right now. I love it short, but there is something sexy and romantic about having long flowing tresses.

6. Tomorrow I can officially get back on Facebook and Twitter since Lent will be over. I am wary as I don’t trust myself to not fall into the same overuse patterns I have had in the past. Also, I cannot believe that 46 days has gone by so incredibly fast.

7. I went on a date last night with a man who is 38. When I was younger, I would have considered this unacceptable. But since I am 28 it doesn’t seem like such a huge deal.

8. I think I might be allergic to my day job. General symptoms are: complete lack of energy, feeling exhausted all the time, feeling like my brain is turning to jelly, unproductivity, feelings of meaninglessness in my work, and full knowledge that I was made for much more than what my job is and offers.

9. I’d really like to be moving towards marriage in the near future. I’ll be 30 in just under 2 years (even writing that sends me into a tailspin) and well..I kind of don’t want to be a 1st time mom at age 45..so..

10. However, when I am riding my bike at the Rose Bowl I am glad I have the freedom to do whatever I want–especially exercise by myself–rather than pushing a single or a double stroller as the moms walk around the loop. I should probably work on getting over thinking that children end your life and hold you back before I ever think about having any.

Have a very blessed Easter and an awesome week!

-Ericka Paige

These are on their way to me and I probably couldn’t be more excited…

I mean, really. How hot is that pump?

Cannot wait to see them on…!

Not sure how I feel about that one..

2. Quote of the week: “There are some nice people out there and then there are some real bitches”- my mother. Well said mom…and so true.

3. Men in tight cycling spandex shorts is not such a pretty sight. As my mom would say—too many bulges.

4. My mom is probably the most hilarious person I know. Love her!

5. I completed my first duathlon yesterday. 5k run (3.1 miles), 30 k bike ride (18.6 miles), 5k run (3.1). I kinda sorta thought I was going to die because it was 80 degrees out by the beach (!!!)…but I made it! Also, if you told me in high school, or even in college, that I would be so fitness minded I would have never believed you!

6. I think I might have a thing for military men (I was at a Marine base for my race yesterday). Too bad the one I want is stationed in North Carolina right now.

7. I like running, but I LOVE cycling. I’ve decided to throw all my efforts and time into becoming a kick-ass cyclist; rather than try to divide my time training for the two. I will never be a great runner but pro cyclists have commented on how strong I am on the bike–and I’ve only been riding 8 months! I know I can be great!

8. There’s nothing I love more than riding my road bike. It is my happy place!

9. My new life motto is: “Say no to the douche”. I think I am going to make shirts for my roommate and I. I wonder if the guy who inspired this will want a cut of any profits I make..

10. I LOVE LOVE LOVE living in Pasadena. My condo, my roommate, the location…it’s all perfection.

11. I have been off of Facebook for 41 days. I gave it up for Lent and I don’t really miss it…at all. Maybe I’ll even delete my account.

Have a great week!

-Ericka Paige